hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
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i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Stop sending me this shit.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”