A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
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*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Battery falling down a hole
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.