Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
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I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
✌️
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.