Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
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I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Wednesday