Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
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My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.