Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
You Might Also Like
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!