If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
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I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Meanwhile in Canada…
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.