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Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.