Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
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I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)