*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
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Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*