5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
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Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.