My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
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Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation