Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
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They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now