new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
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my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand