Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
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I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
They did not think through this water fountain
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.