*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
You Might Also Like
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
“i miss shittin on people”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.