Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
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Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.