How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
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I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.