it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
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Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England