The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
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In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
bears
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child