I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
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Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm