[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
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shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
My love language is hissing.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties