[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
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Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee