People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
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I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.