If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
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I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
That de-escalated quickly
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”