* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
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Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Gods work.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.