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wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
58.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly