“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
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“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
i did the math
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.