Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
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me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
My spirit animal is fried chicken
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
my dad has had enough
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Moms. The original autocorrect.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.