[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
You Might Also Like
Hard not to take this personally
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Pot warmers of the day.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.