I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
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Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.