Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
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If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.