#CoronaOutbreak
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peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp