I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
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Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.