Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Me trying to walk in a dream
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
The most important meal of the day is the next one
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.