There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Lmfaoooooo
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.