WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
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INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial