Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
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14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Found my door mat
me: my friends:
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
when nothing goes right… go left
And then there were 4
Life hack
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.