I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
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I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.