Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
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An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.