[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
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Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I hate everything
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
who wore it better?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.