baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
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4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted