I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
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How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
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“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.