In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
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What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
choose your gary
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Well, shit
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.