Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
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Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.