date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
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I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
ouch
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.