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It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Thursday Thought.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I put the h in mysterious.