After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
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Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Hello Twits.
I cannot call her anything else now
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”