I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
You Might Also Like
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
don’t we all
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe