Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
How dramatic are you?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman